As It Turns Out, I'm Hilarious (Vol. 9)






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THIS CANNOT BE REAL: A Missed Connections Site for the LIRR

Spotted a fresh advertisement as I disembarked from my commute this evening. It was a poster for SYOTT [dot] com, which stands for "Saw You On The Train," obvi.

It's a website where you can connect with that stranger you saw across a crowded car but couldn't introduce yourself to because your face was wedged snugly into someone else's armpit.

Naturally, I took note of the site and plugged it into my trusty Internet Machine when I arrived home.

What's that, Internet Machine? An Unverified Domain Certificate? I shouldn't proceed to this website, as it may be harmful to my...what's that thing called...Internet Machine?

Fuck that, I'm in charge here.

I proceeded, and as I gaped at the very maw of Internet Hell itself, this is what I beheld:

Now, you're probably thinking, "Matt, it's obvious you've traveled back in time to 1994, visited a website, and returned to the present to blog about it. You should probably talk to a scientist to make sure you haven't unfurled the time-space continuum."

To that, I reply, "No. This is fucking real, O'Malley." (Your name in this scenario is O'Malley, just go with it.)

So I signed up and placed an ad for my future soul mate.

Saw you on the 6:24 last night, car 7521. Would love to get to know you better.

Me: Strong silent type, brown hair, blue eyes, Ric Flair t-shirt, huge pecs, looking for friendship first, more if things go well. Likes Twitter and long walks from my computer to my other computer.

You: Husky, off-putting. You wore a kick-ass jean jacket and shouted into your phone with an accent that could only be described as "fiercely abrasive." You like crunching incessantly on a bottomless sleeve of train station popcorn while you shove the elderly into the gap so you can have first crack at the window seat.

I love you.

No response yet, but it looks like the site's user base is steadily growing. When I was signing up, they had zero, and now they have one.

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As It Turns Out, I'm Hilarious (Vol. 8)

If you're a huge douche bag in real life (IRL) and you're concerned that family, friends and co-workers are going to pile drive you, you may want to divert some of that energy into The Twitter.

The Twitter is a great place to share all the douchey comments you're too stupid to think of on the spot.

Confused? Upset? Uncharacteristically moist? Don't be. Take heart in the examples below.




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I See How It Is, @BorowitzReport

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The McSilvers Went to Africa and All You Got Was This @%!#$! YouTube Video

OK, so it's not technically a YouTube video. The Great Google (hallowed be thy name) would not let me to upload a vid so chock-full of copyright infringement jammin' tunes.

*Shakes fist at Universal Music Group*

Go ahead and watch our vacation video, in which we gallivant around Johannesburg and Cape Town in the wake of the World Cup. It's kind of like The Amazing Race, but without the racing, and more penguins.

Oh, and there's a part where a zebra drives a go-kart through a swirling hoop of fire.*

*Metaphorically speaking

Need more? Check out a few of Lauren's pics.

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