Remove Keychain Klutter with the "Key Ring" App for Android

Allow me to blow your mind.

Froogloid is developing an application for the Android Mobile operating system that will use the phone's camera to scan the bar codes on those little retail club cards. This creates a nifty database on your device so you can pull up any barcode for a checkout scan without need of plastic keyring doo-dads.

If you're anything like me, you probably just peed yourself a little at hearing this awesome news. But allow me throw a stick in your spokes for a moment while I propose this scenario:


You're at Stop & Shop. You've got your Crystal Pepsi, a box of fruit Roll-Ups, and your Android mobile, and you're ready to cruise through the check-out like a cyborg from the year 2014, unfettered by 20th century discount technology.

You reach the cashier, whose bottom lip hangs lower than his name tag.

"D'yu hav a Stoppnshop card?" he asks using only his upper lip.

"Why yes, yes I do!" you reply, pulling out your phone. You gracefully scroll down to your Stop & Shop bar code and show the screen to the cashier.

"D'yu hav a Sttttopp...Stoppnshop card?" he asks, unmoved by your cybernetic powers.

"Yes. You see, this is my Stop N' Shop card," you respond. "I've scanned it into my phone so I don't have to carry those little cards on my key ring anymore."

The cashier looks at you blankly as his head explodes.

Now, while I credit the developers of this app with deserved genius, I fear the execution may be akin to setting up a Linux home server for Grandma so she can digitize her Lawrence Welk records.

You are trying to streamline a system that was built to be cumbersome, redundant, and deceptive. If everything at Stop & Shop was just marked the price that it is, there would be no need for cluttered key rings, and thus no need for a slick digital solution.


Sadly, I fear this app may cost you more time explaining it to luddites than it saves in streamlining your life.

Still, I'll probably download it, since I enjoy being technologically obtuse, and pretending I'm a grocery shopping cyborg.

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4 comments:

Marissa said...

Nick is gonna pee himself when he reads this, but more because you mention Crystal Pepsi.

Matt Silverman said...

Does he know I keep a stash in the cellar from 1992? Only to be drunk on special occasions. Like if the Pope visits, or we get a black president.

Marissa said...

If you actually had a basement, I can assure you that when you got home from work tonight, Nick would be there, digging around for some crystal clear goodness. Fo reelz.

Nicholas said...

(a) Yes, kudos on Crystal Pepsi. Don't ever be hatin' on that.

(b) Re: "If everything at Stop & Shop was just marked the price that it is, there would be no need for cluttered key rings, and thus no need for a slick digital solution" - You are rightamundo. I mean, I can't tell you how many times in the past, before I kept ticky-tacky doodads on my key ring, I'd reply no to the card question, be it at Stop 'n Shop, Waldbaums, wherever, and the cashier would just scan their own personal card. HOW EXCLUSIVE IS THIS CLUB IF ANYONE CAN JOIN?

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