Life Tip: Do Not Hire a Rapping Law Firm

We've all been there. You're watching the tele, enjoying some national broadcast commercials; talking geckos, luxury sedans flying through space, creepy masked monarchs shilling mini hamburgers.

When suddenly, out of nowhere, the dingy glow of 90s VHS technology stumbles onto the screen. Yellow clip-art fonts are everywhere, and the voice-over sounds like your Dad reading his birthday card aloud.

Yes, it's the unmistakable mark of local cable advertising, and the NY Metro area has consistently offered up some real gems.

They usually go something like this:

This one may cause minor skin irritation or bloating, but is generally harmless.

But imagine my horror when tuning in to the last Mets vs. Yankees game, arguably some of the most coveted and expensive New York local airtime, only to be assaulted by this disturbing piece of schlock.

WARNING: The following commercial contains graphic sub-par production values. Viewing by women who are pregnant, breast-feeding, or have an IQ over 12 is not generally recommended.

Who is the target market for this ad? 90s hip-hop fans with whiplash?

In case you were dancing too hard and missed the lyrics of this masterpiece, let me break down the flow for you here:

I was hit by a car, that wasn't nice!
(Call 1-800-VICTIM2)
Have your neck broke from a crash you didn't provoke?
(Call 1-800-VICTIM2)
Riskin' your life for a livin', and when you fall, call:
There are so many things wrong with this. For starters, the pentameter is completely inconsistent, and the rhyme scheme is shoddy at best.

Still, it would be great to hire this firm for my personal injury case only if the rapper from the video could represent me in court:

"Yo, Your Honor, my client was struck from behind by the defendant's vehicle, and that's TOTALLY whack!"

"Duly noted, counsel. The court will now take a 10 minute recess to sip on some gin and juice."

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Nick said...

As I saw this as well during Mets-Yankees (specifically, on June 27th, when the Mets were one-hit by the Yanks), my only question for you is...

Why were you watching baseball?

Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


kelliejane said...

HOLY CRAP I am in hysterics. "Yo yo yo, yo honour, this case makes no sense so the defence rests. Word to yo honour." I will be back. Keep blogging!

Anonymous said...

The "audience" is poor-to-middle class minorities in the city, Westchester and Long Island.

Getting a settlement is "getting that bank," which of course allows the lucky victim to live off that money, in addition to whatever other government assistance they're receiving, without having to hold a job.

If you think that's racist, you do not live here and have no way of understanding this is the way it really is.

These lawyers are complete sleaze, just like their brethren at Binder and Biner, and other law firms that cater to the free ride demographic.

How can people be so sleazy, so dishonest, and such freeloaders, and still live with themselves afterward?

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