Remember That Time a Crazy Woman on the Train Thought I Peed on the Seat Next to Her?

LIRR ImageRecently, I sat down one seat away from a woman on my train ride home. She was middle-aged, dressed professionally, and appeared to practice modern hygiene.

When the conductor came around, she was extremely friendly toward him.

"Well hi there, good to see you! It's been a while, did you miss me?"

The conductor smiled politely, punched my ticket, and forged onward.

During the ride, she made a few exasperated calls on her cell phone, but seemed no more or less an asshole than your average commuter.

The crowded car thinned with each stop. It seemed we were both headed to the end of the line.

"Yeah, well I'm really creeped out, OK? I'm just creeped out!" she said, Whisper-Shouting™ into her phone.

She hung up and stood as we neared the next station - my cue to rise and let her pass.

"Ugh, there's 99 open seats here and you had to pick this one!" she huffed, awkwardly scooting past me.

"Wow," I thought to myself. "It's not as if I was sitting right next to her! And I wasn't about to change seats simply because the car got emptier. That would be rude, wouldn't it?"

My reverie was interrupted by the woman, now at the center of the car, talking to the conductor.

"That man there," she said. "He peed all over the seat! What kind of creep does that?!"

Now, she couldn't have been talking about me.

"That's him, in the plaid shirt, slumping down in the seat like a creep!" she said.

I looked down at my shirt -- fucking plaid!

And for the record, I wasn't slumping. I'm five-foot-seven, cut me a goddamn break.

I was about to leap up with a raging "How dare you!" but then I actually caught myself wondering: "Wait, did I actually pee all over this train?"

A glance back at my previous seat revealed that no, I had not left puddles of any kind.

That's when I realized that little miss "I'm very friendly with the conductor" was totally Cocoa Puffs.

She must have gotten off at that station, because I never saw her again.

And still no response to my "Missed Connections" ad on Craigslist.

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1 comment:

Nick said...

This bitch puts the 'M' in crazy.

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